PTSD

I have accepted as of today that I am living with PTSD. I haven't really acknowledged it until last night (05/26/2022). 

Our baby boy Shaq passed away in his sleep at only 5 months young and it has traumatized me in many ways you can't even imagine. Last night was a wake up call of really how bad the trauma has been a toll on not only my heart but also mentally.

I had gotten up to go use the bathroom  and our 3 year old son loves to come up to my husband's and I bed to sleep and I noticed he was on there upon me getting up and he loves to feel that I am there in order for him to stay asleep, so it was weird to me that he didn't even move at all upon me getting out of bed since our bed is against the wall and I am on that end of the bed. I immediately shook him a little bit to see if he would react at all and I got nothing.... Immediately my heart sank and I grabbed him and I practically yelled "KOBE!!! NO NO NO NO" and I scared my husband awake to where he ran up to turn on the main lights in the room right away and said "What's Wrong?!?" and thats when I finally noticed Kobe moving to cover his eyes because of the brightness of the lights was bothering his eyes and I felt like I was having a panic attack in that moment and all I could do is hug my son and cry because I knew that I was not okay in that moment. I honestly felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Kobe was very confused on why momma had awaken him but I was just thankful that he was okay.

In this moment is when I was faced with the realization that I am living with PTSD and I will never be the same. I am constantly checking on both of my kids when they are sleeping just to confirm that they are still breathing. I wish that no one had to go through the experience of losing a child but unfortunately there are so many people that do.

 I am currently seeing a psychologists and getting help because I know I would not be able to do this without getting some mental help, and that's okay. So please if you are in a situation where you have PTSD or are dealing with anxiety, depression, etc, please seek mental health or if you just need someone to talk to PLEASE don't hesitate on reaching out to me. No one should be going through trauma alone.

I pray to God every day to give me peace and strength to continue moving forward for my kids and my husband and to maybe one day even want to keep going for me. Some days are really heavy to where I just can't help but feel depressed, shocked and just wanting to cry it out that my baby boy is really gone and he is never coming back... I know that he is in Heaven and it's a place we all desire to make it to but I just wish it wasn't in this way.

Lord Jesus I am putting all my faith, all my trust , all my heart and all my life, my marriage and my kids in your hands. May you be the one guiding us through these dark times Father. Amen.